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Regret for a Maybe
Aug. 29th, 2001 12:38 pmI've been thinking a lot lately about a college professor of mine. I had a pretty strong attraction to him all through school. When I first took one of his classes, he was married. The next class I took of his was a year and a half later, and he had lost about 20 lbs and the wedding ring. My attraction grew. I took a lot of his classes, partially because of my attraction, partially because he was a good teacher and I needed a lot of the classes he was teaching.
I began to notice, or imagine, his behaviour toward me suggested that he might share the attraction. He tended to be a little flirty, smiled and joked with me when he didn't normally with other students, and he gave me a grade on a paper that I so didn't deserve. (I'm usually hard on myself, but this one was beyond the normal piece of crap. I had a couple of others read it to back up that it was crap. I hate to suggest that his grading was influenced by any unethical thoughts, but hello, he gave me an A on a paper that was barely worth a C if that.)
I've been fantasizing lately about what might have happened after graduation if I hadn't left the state immediately and had pursued something with him. Okay, some of the fantasies are pornographic, but more so they're just "what ifs?" Imagining what life would be like in a relationship with him. Wondering if he was really attracted to me, or if it was just me projecting my own feelings.
Sometimes, it kills me that I'll never know.
I began to notice, or imagine, his behaviour toward me suggested that he might share the attraction. He tended to be a little flirty, smiled and joked with me when he didn't normally with other students, and he gave me a grade on a paper that I so didn't deserve. (I'm usually hard on myself, but this one was beyond the normal piece of crap. I had a couple of others read it to back up that it was crap. I hate to suggest that his grading was influenced by any unethical thoughts, but hello, he gave me an A on a paper that was barely worth a C if that.)
I've been fantasizing lately about what might have happened after graduation if I hadn't left the state immediately and had pursued something with him. Okay, some of the fantasies are pornographic, but more so they're just "what ifs?" Imagining what life would be like in a relationship with him. Wondering if he was really attracted to me, or if it was just me projecting my own feelings.
Sometimes, it kills me that I'll never know.
