(no subject)

Joss Whedon on rumors of Charisma Carpenter leaving Angel due to unspecified personal problems:

"I've heard every vicious rumor about everybody, and I lend them all very little credence. She is coming back. She's a part of the show. She's an essential part of the show. ... It's not as vicious a rumor as the rumor that I directed Boy Meets World, but it's up there."

I love him.

Here

I've been awfully quiet lately, so katz170 tells me. She's right. I have been. I'm in a weird sort of state of discontent.

The job hunt is proving less than fruitful, and I think I'm right back at the beginning of the process. I've not heard a damn thing from CYA and I'm sick of people asking me about it. So take that as due notice. If I hear, I'll say so. Otherwise, don't ask. My self worth can't handle having to deliver one more "nothing yet."

I took an eligibility test yesterday for a civilian job with the Sheriff's department. I'm actually kind of psyched about it, and am already boning up for the interview. I've been reading about the department's philosophies, and am pleased to see that it's evolving into a Community Oriented Policing model, which I would love to be a part of. It won't pay anymore than I'm already making at first, but it would be so much healthier for me I think. Plus, I'll be able to get hold of my 401k and use it to pay off my debt which is keeping me poor. It's probably not the soundest financial move, but I think clearing out those high payments and high interest credit cards now is more important than $4000 towards my eventual retirement.

Romantically, I'm in the same place I've been for the last 10 years. And I'm tired. I'm fucking lonely, but I'm too tired to keep trying. I'm tired of being expected to make the first move, to seek out. I want to be pursued, set up, arranged. It shouldn't be this much work just to get a first date. And, for the record, the fact that I like to lose myself in romantic books and movies, doesn't mean I'm obsessed with romance. It means I haven't had a real relationship since I walked out on George (assuming you want to count that as real) and watching the sappy movies lets me believe that maybe I won't die alone and be eaten by my cats, that maybe I will someday meet someone who finds me attractive, and fun, and interesting, and doesn't run screaming after the first meeting. I keep looking backward, at the friends and lovers I've had and lost or just grown apart from and wondering if one of them was really supposed to be the one and thinking that if he/she was single, maybe it's not really too late.

I have a family dinner to go to on Sunday, which I'm dreading. I don't want to go, and I feel guilty about not wanting to go because I haven't seen my dad in a long time. But the last time I was there, I was miserable. I was alone, surrounded by Linda's family, and Dad, who has always been the person I can commiserate with at these events, wasn't awake or alert enough to talk. I spent most of the afternoon hiding in his room, eating rice pudding, and just looking at him. I left early. I feel bad that I'm not offering more support to Linda, but I just can't handle this right now.

So, to sum it all up, I'm miserable, I'm lonely, I'm not really happy with myself. I'm broke. And I'm not seeing much of a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm going to go back to being quiet now.