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Apr. 29th, 2002
coulda shoulda woulda
Apr. 29th, 2002 08:11 pmHrm. I'm mopey and lonely. It gets me thinking about the ones that got away, or never quite happened. People who I loved to some degree or another, some retroactively, but who are no longer active parts of my life.
Doug. He was the end-all be-all in high school for me. I fell hard for him the moment we met, but that year, he wanted my friend Tammy (story of my life). That didn't stop me though. He was supposed to be my first (according to my book) and he almost was a few times, but it just never happened. Eventually, he and Tammy broke up, and high school ended. Doug went to San Francisco, I went to San Jose. We got together once for an almost real date that fall, and I learned 10 years later, that if I had just been a little more clear about what I wanted that night, he was open to the idea. DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN. He's married now, to a girl he started dating right about that same time. Has two kids. Of course, I'm still not entirely convinced he isn't gay.
Melanie. Mellie. My first love of official record. When I met her, I was almost 18, awkward, insecure. She was this beautiful, ultra-cool, 15 year old goth princess, all decked out in black velvet and lace. I couldn't believe that someone like her would want to be my friend, but she did. We became close quickly. One night, we crashed at my apartment after Rocky. We lay in my bed, curled up like spoons, and I realized I was falling in love with her. It was a bit of a surprise to me, because I'd never considered loving a woman before meeting her. Two months later, we kissed. We had one wonderful weekend together, but it never progressed beyond that. There were boyfriends that took priority at the time. We spent the next few years stealing kisses in dark alleys and swearing undying love to each other. Then I moved away and I haven't seen her since. She holds a special place in my heart. I sometimes wish there had been more, but also, because we never had anything more real than puppy love infatuation, I've got a perfect, fantasy memory of her, not blemished by the reality of a relationship gone bad.
Nate. One great night I'll always remember. 'nuff said.
Matt the straight guy. Matt was the fiance of a friend from work in Springfield. She dumped him. He and I started talking online, and then we started dating. The trouble was, I didn't realize we were dating. See, I'd never actually done that before. My previous relationship experience had not involved dating, just instant commitment and living together. It wasn't until after we broke up, due to a silly misunderstanding that I realized we had actually been a couple. I miss Matt. He wanted then what I want now. Bad timing on both our parts, because, looking back, I think we could have been good for each other.
Caitlin. Purely a case of me being more interested in her, than she in me, but I had hopes. We met online. We seemed to hit it off. I really liked her. She even liked Michael, and had a cat named Nikita. We went out several times, but then she got together with a guy friend of hers. Then she went into a deep depression, locked herself away and wouldn't accept that there were people who thought she was a beautiful, interesting, worthy person who wanted to be with her. I was kind of bitchy to her the last time I saw her (was a little drunk... I tend to say lots of things I shouldn't when I'm drunk.), and I never heard from her again. She left Sacramento for Chicago, by way of Europe and Wisconsin. I still read her blog though, and I'm kind of jealous of the new man in her life.
Doug. He was the end-all be-all in high school for me. I fell hard for him the moment we met, but that year, he wanted my friend Tammy (story of my life). That didn't stop me though. He was supposed to be my first (according to my book) and he almost was a few times, but it just never happened. Eventually, he and Tammy broke up, and high school ended. Doug went to San Francisco, I went to San Jose. We got together once for an almost real date that fall, and I learned 10 years later, that if I had just been a little more clear about what I wanted that night, he was open to the idea. DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN. He's married now, to a girl he started dating right about that same time. Has two kids. Of course, I'm still not entirely convinced he isn't gay.
Melanie. Mellie. My first love of official record. When I met her, I was almost 18, awkward, insecure. She was this beautiful, ultra-cool, 15 year old goth princess, all decked out in black velvet and lace. I couldn't believe that someone like her would want to be my friend, but she did. We became close quickly. One night, we crashed at my apartment after Rocky. We lay in my bed, curled up like spoons, and I realized I was falling in love with her. It was a bit of a surprise to me, because I'd never considered loving a woman before meeting her. Two months later, we kissed. We had one wonderful weekend together, but it never progressed beyond that. There were boyfriends that took priority at the time. We spent the next few years stealing kisses in dark alleys and swearing undying love to each other. Then I moved away and I haven't seen her since. She holds a special place in my heart. I sometimes wish there had been more, but also, because we never had anything more real than puppy love infatuation, I've got a perfect, fantasy memory of her, not blemished by the reality of a relationship gone bad.
Nate. One great night I'll always remember. 'nuff said.
Matt the straight guy. Matt was the fiance of a friend from work in Springfield. She dumped him. He and I started talking online, and then we started dating. The trouble was, I didn't realize we were dating. See, I'd never actually done that before. My previous relationship experience had not involved dating, just instant commitment and living together. It wasn't until after we broke up, due to a silly misunderstanding that I realized we had actually been a couple. I miss Matt. He wanted then what I want now. Bad timing on both our parts, because, looking back, I think we could have been good for each other.
Caitlin. Purely a case of me being more interested in her, than she in me, but I had hopes. We met online. We seemed to hit it off. I really liked her. She even liked Michael, and had a cat named Nikita. We went out several times, but then she got together with a guy friend of hers. Then she went into a deep depression, locked herself away and wouldn't accept that there were people who thought she was a beautiful, interesting, worthy person who wanted to be with her. I was kind of bitchy to her the last time I saw her (was a little drunk... I tend to say lots of things I shouldn't when I'm drunk.), and I never heard from her again. She left Sacramento for Chicago, by way of Europe and Wisconsin. I still read her blog though, and I'm kind of jealous of the new man in her life.
